


As I Sink in the Sand

by anisstaranise



Category: Glee
Genre: Alternate Universe - Hospital, M/M, Missed Chances, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-06
Updated: 2015-06-06
Packaged: 2018-04-03 03:08:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,836
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4084303
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/anisstaranise/pseuds/anisstaranise
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>But he had long vowed he would be the best friend he could be for Sebastian, so he resolved to power through. They were better than this, better than the awkwardness that had somehow settled between them after Blaine’s confession. They would rise above it, he was sure. They would adjust- they always found a way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	As I Sink in the Sand

**Author's Note:**

> This is **Part One** | Here is **[Part Two](http://archiveofourown.org/works/4092916) **
> 
> So **[esnde](http://archiveofourown.org/users/esnde/pseuds/esnde)** decided to torture me by introducing Labrinth’s Jealous, claiming it screamed Seblaine, which it does- painfully so. That’s when this fic started forming in my mind.
> 
> Inspired by selected scenes from **Bones** episodes “ _The Parts in the Sum of the Whole_ ” and “ _The Doctor in the Photo_ ”.
> 
> Title and lyrics are from [Labrinth's Jealous](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50VWOBi0VFs) (which I would recommend listening to because it’s gorgeous.)
> 
> Written for **Seblaine Sunday Challenge** : _Missed Chances_

The rain on Blaine and Sebastian’s skin and their partially drenched clothes seemed to evaporate the moment they stepped out of the rain and into the bar, the heat of the room a welcomed reprieve from the sudden downpour.

The bar buzzed low with the din of conversations and dimmed music, the air stale with the humidity of bodies mingling around the room. Blaine wanted nothing more than to be home, away from the crowd, away from Sebastian.

But he had long vowed he would be the best friend he could be for Sebastian, so he resolved to power through. They were better than this, better than the awkwardness that had somehow settled between them after Blaine’s confession. They would rise above it, he was sure. They would adjust- they always found a way.

“You okay, Blaine?” Sebastian asked as they took a seat at the bar, the only two stools available at the far end, turning his head slightly to look at Blaine. The orange glow of the room highlighted Sebastian’s profile perfectly- the jade gleam of his eyes, the remnants of raindrops gracing the freckles that peppered his jawline down to his neck, disappearing beneath his shirt; Sebastian was breathtaking.

Blaine swallowed a pain that often clawed up his throat every time he looked at Sebastian since that fateful night, plastering the brightest smile he could muster, even though his heart ached doing so.

“Yeah, I’m great,” Blaine blurted a little too enthusiastically. “You?”

Sebastian straightened his back as his signature smirk curled on his lips but before he could say anything, an elegant voice- warm and ardent- called out his name from somewhere behind them. Instantaneously, Sebastian turned his attention away from Blaine to the figure sauntering through the crowd, straight for them, straight for Sebastian.

Adam.

The moment Sebastian slid off his stool to greet the dashing Englishman with a kiss an unprecedented pain ripped through Blaine’s chest, crushing his heart and making it hard to breathe.

_You brought this upon yourself_ , a voice within whispered.

Blaine had let his fear dictate his actions, pushing Sebastian away.

The man had laid out his heart out for Blaine, to care, to hold- trusting Blaine when he leapt to take a chance. But Blaine had been too foolish, too blinded by the comfort of what he deemed was familiar and safe to reach out and just fall- together.

So he powered through the pin-prickling pangs in his heart at the sight of Sebastian and Adam together as the night went on, fixing a worn and practised _I’m happy for you_ smile.

_I’m jealous of the rain that falls upon your skin,_  
_It’s closer than my hands have been,_  
_I’m jealous of the rain._

\---

The hours of the night bled on, the sky brightening with the oncoming dawn. Blaine walked home from his night shift at the hospital, the fresh, crisp air washing away the fatigue that gnawed at his bones.

He took his usual route to the apartment, one that he usually treaded with Sebastian whenever they both worked the night shift and soon he came to their park bench- the witness to countless conversations of hopes and dreams, and one particularly heartbreaking exchange between the two.

Blaine stopped automatically in front of it, a new kind of agony thrumming beneath his skin as his mind drew the dreaded memory of that night.

They had just left the hospital after a farewell party for one of the veteran nurses that night about six months ago and they were having a debate on how unreliable the human brain can be.

“The experiment shows that it takes three days for the brain to adjust, hence when you think you’re seeing your world upside down, everything will be right side up again after three days,” Blaine had rambled on defensively.

“I’m just saying-” Sebastian had huffed in an adamant tirade of a counter-argument as he settled on the park bench that was located halfway between his apartment and Blaine’s. “-you can’t trust a brain that can’t seem to make up its mind about something as basic as which way is up.”

Blaine giggled. “Of course _you_ don’t trust something as objective as the brain.”

“There’s nothing objective about the brain,” Sebastian had muttered, tilting his face up to the sky, his eyes closed. “We’re all just trying to interpret signals from the universe- the dim, shaky signals that only hint at the complexity of it all- and trying our best to make sense of it.”

“Wow,” Blaine chuckled. “You’re really philosophical tonight.”

Suddenly, Sebastian eyelids had flew open, a glint of determination, of a long time coming twinkling in his green eyes as he leapt from his seat to stand in front of Blaine.

“I got the signal,” Sebastian had breathed.

“What?”

“For as long as we’ve known each other, there’s this dim, shaky, static-filled signal swirling in my head but I never paid any mind to it-,” Sebastian said, looking down into Blaine’s hazel eyes, a desperation boring through his gaze. “-because I didn’t know what it meant, or maybe I knew but I was too afraid to _really_ know what it meant.”

“Sebastian, what are you talking about?” Blaine asked, his confusion growing by the second.

“Us,” the taller man breathed. “Me. You.”

“Sebastian-”

“We should give us a chance, Blaine,” Sebastian confessed, the width of his palm encasing the side of Blaine’s face.

The drumming of Blaine’s heart had raced at break neck speed upon hearing Sebastian say the words. For as long as they had known each other, they had danced along the line of _more than friends, less than lovers_ , trapped in a stalemate of sorts- because on his part, Blaine had been too afraid to break it.

In the past, Blaine had fallen in love too fast, too easily and the pain that followed when he was left with a broken heart and a broken spirit until he vowed _never again_. It had been years since he had been in a relationship, comfortable with himself and just _being_.

“I can’t,” Blaine choked.

“Why?” Sebastian had asked, the closest to pleading he had ever heard from the other man. “Why?”

“Because-” he had stammered, struggling to string his words.

“You can’t find a reason, can you?”

“I-”

“You can’t find a reason because there is none,” Sebastian had said softly, slowly closing the space between them. “Just give us a chance.”

Blaine’s breath had hitched at the back of his throat the moment Sebastian brushed their lips together, the overwhelming sensation of falling making his mind spin.

Blaine’s entire defenses rose fast around his heart, the impregnable wall he had so carefully built over the years standing strong. Perhaps he had been selfish with Sebastian, taking the comforts and safety of being in a relationship without really committing to a relationship. He loved being with Sebastian, but he just- couldn’t.

With a rather hesitant shove, Blaine had broken the kiss and stepped back from the warmth of Sebastian’s body.

“No-,” Blaine blurted, a panic rising in his chest. “-no, Sebastian. I can’t.”

The misery swimming in Sebastian’s eyes had sent a wave of crippling guilt through Blaine that he couldn’t help but think he was going to lose his best friend forever.

“Just tell me why,” Sebastian demanded sadly, running his hands through his mousy brown hair; the way Blaine knew he always did when something was upsetting him. It sickened Blaine to know he was the cause of Sebastian’s sadness.

The insecurities of past broken hearts etched too deeply for Blaine to ever consider being bold again, the threat of having yet another broken heart too real for him to ignore. Not again, he had vowed.

“The very definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome,” Blaine had quoted, finding the best philosophy he knew to make Sebastian understand.

Sebastian had recoiled at the words; the welling tears making his green eyes shine with an anguish that slashed at Blaine’s heart. “I am not like those other guys, Blaine” Sebastian murmured, the pain evident in his tone.

To an extent, Blaine knew that Sebastian was nothing like all the men who had bled his heart dry, but that was the thing about fear, wasn’t it?- that it blinded you to the truth, and paralyzed you from moving towards something that might be better.

Sebastian had slowly stepped away from Blaine, walking backwards in the direction of his apartment.

“Please, Sebastian-” Blaine had begged, not entirely sure what he was begging for. Perhaps he wished they never had this exchange, perhaps he wished that whatever happened, nothing will change between them- that they would still be the best of friends.

“It’s okay, Blaine,” Sebastian had chuckled rather self-deprecatingly. “My world is upside down- but hey- it takes the brain three days to adjust, right?” he smiled weakly. “I’ll adjust.”

And with that, Sebastian had walked away, leaving Blaine alone by what was once their park bench.

Blaine shook his head vigorously to chase the thoughts of that night, that exchange out of his mind, blinking back tears he hadn’t realize were there as he willed his feet to continue walking home.

His fear had blinded him to Sebastian’s love, paralyzing him from reciprocating- but he wanted to- by God did he want to- but everything was too little, too late.

_I’m jealous of the love,_  
_Love that was in here,_  
_Gone for someone else to share,_  
_Oh, I’m jealous of the love._

\---

 

The cab’s yellow surface was cool to the touch as Blaine closed the door gently with a quiet thud, patting the roof twice to give the driver the go ahead to drive away. Sebastian’s gorgeous face looked out the back window at him, smiling the brightest smile that made Blaine’s heart stutter in his chest. He gave the other man a meek wave. Sebastian was off to see Adam after their Tuesday night dinner.

Sometimes Blaine questioned if Sebastian was kind in keeping their friendship going or unbelievably cruel. The two had adamantly kept to their rituals and traditions of Thai Food Tuesdays and Sundae Sundays alive despite Blaine’s confession not more than two months ago.

As Sebastian’s cab disappeared around the corner, Blaine turned to head towards the subway station and head home when the memory of that night played in his mind.

That night, Blaine had worked another night shift in the ICU and was exchanging the empty bag of saline with a new one, when the patient he was looking after- a handsome woman in her late seventies whom the doctors feared wouldn’t make it through the night- reached out to grab his hand gently.

“You should rest, Moira,” Blaine had whispered, stroking the woman’s hand softly, having long past the formality of addressing her as Miss Fairchild. “You need your strength.”

“Oh, honey, you and I both know my time is almost up,” she giggled weakly.

All Blaine could do was smile sweetly, a tender scolding of “Hush you” tumbling from his lips.

“Regrets kill you slowly- and much more painfully than this disease inside me,” she had whispered, more to herself than to Blaine. A tear rolled down her pale skin, trailing into her gray hair nestled by the side of her face. “I have one such regret- a man. A wonderful man. Alas, I let fear hold me back. Such a shame.”

Blaine had blinked at the words. It was difficult not to draw parallels of Moira Fairchild’s words from his own life. There was indeed a regret gnawing at his heart; Sebastian. Always Sebastian. Four months ago, Sebastian had offered his heart out to Blaine but fear had made him push the other man away. Hearing someone else voice out something similar brought to surface the regret that Blaine had so diligently thrived to hide, to conceal. But it was there. Always there.

“You have time, my boy-” Moira had chimed softly, sadly. “Don’t make my mistakes. Don’t have a reason for regrets.”

Blaine had nodded slowly, the words washing over him like a spark of courage he quietly prayed for in hours of the night. “Okay,” he breathed as he lulled the woman to sleep. “Okay.”

Moira Fairchild had passed away before the end of Blaine’s shift that night.

Fuelled by Moira’s words, Blaine had ran straight to Sebastian’s apartment the moment his shift ended, silently cursing the fact that it was Sebastian’s night off. If not, Blaine would have been able to run the four floors up to Radiology where Sebastian worked, overseeing all x-rays and MRI tests.

Blaine had banged on Sebastian’s door, not caring in the slightest that it might disturb the neighbours; this was urgent, this was the matter of the heart.

“Blaine?” Sebastian had mumbled when he cracked the door open, his eyes heavy with sleep; he was breathtaking as always.

“It took me awhile to get it, but now I do,” Blaine blurted, out of breath.

“What?”

“The dim, shaky, static-filled signal the universe was giving- I get it now.”

“Blaine-”

“I never gave us a chance. And that is my one regret to this very day,” Blaine had confessed, taking a step closer to Sebastian, both of them breathing the same air. “I don’t want to have any regrets- not when it comes to you.”

Sebastian held Blaine’s gaze, a conflict battling behind his eyes. The taller man sucked in a deep breath, a deep sigh following after.

“Blaine-” Sebastian had whispered sadly. “-I’m with someone.”

The words were a double-edged blade straight to his heart. After Sebastian’s unrequited declaration of love, he had told Blaine that he needed to move on from the stalemate that had hurt them both so much without realizing it; Blaine had agreed that he should. Blaine only ever wished for Sebastian to be happy, but to know it was with another man when it could have been him crushed his heart to a pulp.

“And, Adam-” Sebastian had continued, unaware of the agony raging inside of Blaine, “- he’s not a consolation prize. I care about him.”

Adam Crawford.

The hospital’s dashing new orthopaedic surgeon.

At the thought of Sebastian and Adam, a sob ripped through Blaine’s chest, his shoulders heaving along with the tears that gushed from eyes. Blaine clutched at the space over his heart, as though his grappling fingers could pick away the excruciating pain blooming within.

He had been too foolish, too scared.

Now he was too late.

Blaine had slumped against the wall next to Sebastian’s door and slowly slid down to the floor. It was too much- the regret, the pain, the sadness. Moments passed and he continued to weep. It wasn’t long before another body slid down next to him.

Sebastian; always the friend in need.

Taking a deep breath, Blaine had made an effort to calm his sobs. He turned to look at Sebastian, the other man’s brows knitted in concern, his eyes patient- and a sad laugh escaped Blaine’s lips.

“I understand,” Blaine finally said. “I missed my chance,” he had choked out before another wave of sobs rippled through him.

Next to him, he could practically hear Sebastian thinking, trying to come up with ways to make him feel better.

“Blaine, the last thing I want is to hurt you but I-”

“It’s okay, Sebastian. My world is upside down,” Blaine had said weakly, repeating the words a hurt Sebastian once uttered. The universe had a peculiar way of coming full circle, he mused. “I’ll adjust.”

A moment passed, the silence draped heavily in the spaces between them.

“You will,” Sebastian had assured softly, finally breaking the silence. “I did.”

Blaine had let out a shuddery breath, gathering whatever composure he could muster. He nodded a little before climbing to his feet, Sebastian mirroring his actions. The other man had placed his hand on Blaine’s shoulder, the touch hesitant and cautious.

The touch burned through Blaine’s clothes and the pangs in his heart hurt anew, but he had reached out to grab Sebastian’s hand anyway- he wasn’t going to let this ruin their friendship. Sebastian was too important. So he had vowed to move past the hurt, the regrets and find a way to adjust. Anything for Sebastian.

Blaine had given his friend’s hand a gentle squeeze, loudly inscribing _I’ll be fine_ into the gesture as he slowly walked away from the man he loved a little too late and out of the building.

It wasn’t until his hand touched the turnstile’s cool steel that Blaine snapped out of that night’s painful memory. He had made it down to the platform via muscle memory while he was lost in his thoughts- thoughts of how his world was _still_ upside down.

His brain hadn’t adjusted. _He_ hadn’t adjusted. And Blaine wondered if he ever would.

_It’s hard for me to say,  
I’m jealous of the way you’re happy without me._

\---To Be Continued.

 

**Author's Note:**

> Apologies for the heartbreak. **Part Two** will be up soon.  
>  Thank you for reading.  
> Comments welcomed.


End file.
